Choice (2019)


At first it was supposed to be a project about four people. Who did not want to start a family. Or could not. I wanted to show inside their world, their moods. Talk about a piercing feeling of emptiness.


In the process of creating the idea was transformed into the story of one heroine — Victoria. Further story will continue on her behalf. In the format of a monologue. The heroine is undressed deliberately. Lack of clothing deprives a person of the opportunity to lie. Also, do not look for erotica in the pictures. The heroine is asexual deliberately so as not to distract you from the main idea.


Loneliness is familiar to me personally. I am familiar with all the fears and murders of this choice. And that's why I'm grateful to the heroine for her decision to tell about him. And also for her courage. May this project be a support for those who have experienced the suffering of inner choice. And a gift for those who have learned to taste its benefits.


This project is not a hype or a trend. It is not about condemnation or condemnation. Its purpose is to show real life, not to show off life. And he is about inner choice, about courage and about childhood. It is in childhood that our ability to build relationships with the opposite sex is formed. It is then that evaluation and self-respect are established. It is this period that shapes our sexuality. And our ability to enjoy life.

"I decided to speak openly. Of course, there is fear. Criticism, condemnation, misunderstanding. But it is an integral part of life.


I am 32 years old. I am a girl. Although I prefer the word "Woman". She has never been married, in a civil marriage as well. She didn't even live with anyone".

"There are two main facets I can use to describe my life.


The first — socially acceptable, facade. The second is how I feel and experience.


I was constantly adjusting to the first side. Society and the environment have a strong influence. Both for the family and for the individual. Even on the formation of personality. But there is one "but". As a child, my mother always told me about self-education and my own choice. This became one of the foundations of my character. And at the moment loneliness is my choice. Choice in favor of yourself".

“I was born and raised in a very small provincial town. Although now I understand that living in the countryside is one of the biggest advantages of my childhood".

"My family was pretty standard. Like everyone else. But it is from early childhood, thanks to the family I have my "baggage". These are both my injuries and observations.


I became the first child of my parents. As a child, I was very sensitive and tender".

"I come from a poor family: without a dowry and social status. But I have taste, mind and character.


I don't remember happy people since childhood. These include my parents.


My uncle was killed as a child. He was my brother. Killed for money. I also remember the constant division of agricultural land and machinery, jeeps and machine guns. And a few more rapes and murders of girls".

"My parents' relationship was hell for me. That's how I perceived it as a child. But even more disappointment in people awaited me later. When I learned that relationships are much worse. That life is much worse. That for many people, what I perceived as hell is normal. Watching this, I became capricious and closed. "Not like that."


I felt my mother's pain. Dad felt pain. I felt that others were hiding from themselves. I thought everyone could feel that way. It turned out not to be. This was my next disappointment.


Mom... I've never seen her really happy. And it affected me. I clearly understood that I wanted another life. But even from scratch it is not easy to build your life. In my case, the start was from minus: I had to grow up to zero. I was afraid to repeat my mother's mistakes".

"I started to be interested in psychology and natural sciences early on. So I began to understand that I could start repeating the scenario of my parents subconsciously. Regardless of their own knowledge and desires. When I met the first guy, I was convinced in advance: nothing good will come of it. Perhaps this has become a kind of self-programming. Like "everyone is given it by faith." But looking back, I look at the lives of my acquaintances and ex-husbands. And I understand that I was not mistaken.


Later, I realized the manifestations of addiction and toxicity in my life. The game of "executioner-victim" has been hell for me since childhood. Like a knife to the heart. That's how I felt as a child".

"It took me years to understand and realize. And knowledge, work on yourself and psychotherapy. And also experience: often unpleasant. Bitter relationship experience. And not only with men.


I had no prospects of creating a happy marriage at first. Often the mothers of their adult sons are overly concerned about the size of the dowry of the daughter-in-law. And not just a dowry.


I don't believe in fairy tales about love and miracles".

"The main motivation in my life is fear. From 13 years.


Fear of repeating the parents' scenario. Repeat the same mistakes. To cause the same unbearable pain — to children and the husband. Live life in a mental trap.


Fear of living life for the approval of society, pleasing it. Fear of being left "empty" inside".

"I also gained fear from strangers. Fear of becoming provincial and faceless, rude and soulless.


And yet — the fear of choosing the wrong partner.


To some extent, the fear was quite resourceful. But a full life cannot be built from it".

"I began to learn to distinguish the good and the real in people. Learn not to justify your weakness and fear. Learn not to blame parents and circumstances. Although suffering is so sweet and comfortable. It's so clear and simple".

"I had to experience pain in the relationship. It hurts when they choose another one instead of me. When deceived and lied.


It hurt exactly until I realized: this pain is inside me. What I don't know is how to live without pain. I don't know how to build a relationship without suffering and drama.


I considered myself a freak — and other people felt it. They felt rejection of themselves, and sometimes real hatred. To yourself, to your body, to your facial features. What I so skillfully hid was constantly floating in the air. And those around him pretended not to notice. I still can't accept the features of my figure: the size and shape of my breasts, my arms, the fullness of my thighs. Facial features seem to me very bright and sharp. All this is loneliness".

"I always left first. And those whom I threw, I considered as a temporary option. There is a big difference in feelings between "my love" and "my temporary option". Mantras, austerities, self-training, pumped vagina or ass will not help here for sure.


It is very difficult to be alone, to be alone. But for me it is fairer and more comfortable. I don't want to fill the internal deficit with another person".

"At some point, I was able to look back. To think. And finally — to admit to yourself. That the struggle with loneliness is a struggle with oneself. With their own fears. And that instead of a full life I am fighting. I spend a lot of energy on it.


That's why I don't fight alone anymore. The only thing I struggle with is social pressure. With the feeling of inferiority that society imposes on me. And the more limited people I meet in life, the harder it is for me not to give up.


Sometimes there is a feeling in the crowd that I am naked. Although the people around, and I am dressed. But they are in pairs, and I am not. So I learned to shut myself in completely. She used to hide while among people".

"I'm afraid. I am afraid of misunderstanding and rejection. I'm afraid to be wrong in people. I'm afraid to be disappointed. I'm afraid to feel and cause pain. I'm afraid to feel. And at the same time I have a fear: to live a life without feelings and experiences".

"From Mom and Dad, I received the most precious thing — unconditional acceptance and love. As well as strength, personal choice and freedom.


But I learn responsibility and awareness myself".

"I continue to believe in love. I believe that I can create a close relationship. Resourceful and productive. Without suffering".

"I have no claims against men. None. Absolutely".